Distant Memories
by Starry.Smiles
Summary: Have you ever wondered if a certain Black visited Lucius Malfoy in Azkaban after the incident at the Department of Mysteries in the fifth book? This is an interpretation of what may have happened had it occurred!
1. Prologue

This place is so empty… so dark, and so lonely. It's my entire fault.

I have nobody. And I feel I must do something to be rid of this huge burden on my shoulders. A burden in which, one would not expect someone like _me _to be attempting to relieve.

A burden of death. Torture. Grief.

_But why? _One might ask.

I shall answer your question _later. _Do forgive my bluntness though. It's been one of my habits, one of the bad ones, and it has been lasting for at least the past 20 years...

You may wonder why I am lamenting upon such… sorrowful things. But do allow me to introduce myself. My name is Lucius Malfoy, and I am a convicted Death Eater in Azkaban. You may want to stop reading this, for you may think that reading something written by someone as 'evil' as I am, is a waste of time. I don't mind. You can do what you like. It is your choice after all.

_Do avert your eyes away then._

I'll introduce my family to you too. My wife is Narcissa Malfoy, nee Black. She is a tall, willowy woman, beauty to match that of the Goddess of Love, Venus. She has sparkling blue eyes… long and curly blonde hair that used to be straight.

We have a son, Draco, which means 'dragon' in Latin. He also has blond hair (it is dominant in his genes, after all) and he inherited my grey, stormy eyes. He is the most handsome boy in the world… albeit spoiled. Indeed, one would not expect me to write / say this, but I really regret the conditions as to how he was raised – pureblood supremacy and superiority, the lingering of the Dark Lord, those of the Inner Circle...

How I am surviving it here in Azkaban, I don't know. Perhaps I think more positively, and more optimistically? I don't know, for I now know the value of each day. Vaguely. I am beginning to understand and unravel life's mysteries. Life is too short. Life is a gift to us for enjoyment, to be lived to the fullest. But I shouldn't be preaching this. I am a convicted Death Eater, after all. Or should conventions set by previous generations and fellow peers of your own be followed?

Is it right?

Or is it wrong?

Don't ask why I'm doing this. I'm just doing it. Maybe to pass my time here in Azkaban… or maybe I would like to have my story told. But this is not an autobiography. It's more of a recount of something that happened of late. And I did tell you to stop reading before, so it's your fault. And it is your loss. You're missing out. If you stop, that is. Carry on, and you'll receive something you never expected from me.

It was just a normal day passing by in Azkaban with only the Dementors for company… unless you count my _darling _sister-in-law _Bellatrix_ as _company_, when suddenly, this ugly-looking wizard (most likely a mud- I'm _trying_ to _change_ my ways here, muggleborn) came to tell me that I had a visitor.

My first thought was that the visitor was my wife, Narcissa. Then, I thought, well, Cissy never comes so early in the morning – she was probably 'catching up on some beauty sleep', for my wife is as vain as the Greek God, Narcissus… how ironic is that their names are so similar…

Now let me carry on. The Dementors escorted me to the visiting room… with _darling _Bellatrix's screeches trailing after my walking figure, my feet shuffling, and dragging my drooping figure towards the room…

I'll admit that I was quite intrigued by the visitor. I didn't know who it was at the time… I am well aware of the fact that around 85% (and probably a bit more... maybe 90%) of the wizarding world know who I am and _hate _me. _Abhor_ me for what I have done... Though I can't really blame them – I am, Lucius Malfoy after all. But do forgive my cockiness. I haven't had the chance to use that _gift _in a very, long time.

I knew for a fact that it probably wasn't Draco – Draco is probably extremely embarrassed by the fact that _Harry Potter _and _his friends _booted his own father into prison. I most certainly would be, if my enemy did that. So therefore, he won't visit me. That's the end of that story.

Forgive my constant change of attention to one particular topic, to another completely different one. Quote from my wife: I _"have the attention span the size of an ant."_ Sad really. Once again, you have to forgive me, for I have only been in Azkaban for a mere two months, and already, I have attempted to atone my mistakes, by writing this… diary? No. It's too feminine. Journal? It sounds slightly more masculine… ah. A report. Sort of.

No interruptions now, okay?

// Insert sounds of 'okays'. //

I shall continue then. The Dementors had left me, drifting somewhere close by to keep an eye on me. I was standing outside of the visiting room all alone. It was cold and empty. Just before I entered the room, I noticed a shapely figure of a silhouette, that of a woman, standing still inside the room… I'll admit that I did have my ideas, until this outrageous suggestion of this visitor entered my head.

_Her._

No. It couldn't be. I was adamant that it wasn't her. She wouldn't visit _me, _of all people.

And she did warn me all those years ago… her voice still twinkles in my mind, like the twinkling sound of wind chimes… it soothed my fears and anxieties, cultivated my ambitions and dreams… even though I never saw her.

And look at me now.

I'm a wreck. And I'm in Azkaban.

With these… _creatures._

Before she left, she said many things.

"_You will be, and are being sucked further and further into this mess that is the Dark Lord. _

_You will not be able to pull yourself out of it if you don't do it early. The earlier it is, the better._

_You will not be able to receive the forgiveness of our generation, the forgiveness of the generation that is to come. All would be lost. The generations below you will be left to pick up the pieces, and will resent you forever...  
_

_You will be deemed as the 'evil', for nobody will speak to you, nobody will go near you. Your family reputation will be ruined._

_I don't want to be pulled down into this with you. That's why we are having this conversation._

She stops, and pauses, maybe for effect. But I will never know.

_Lucius. Do it before it is too __**late**__."_

And then all goes quiet. I remember _every _single word of that conversation. It haunts me, even to this day.

That is when she stormed out. That is when she broke up with me. That is _why _she broke up with me.


	2. The Question of Happiness

Yes, that's why she broke up with me. It was her choice. No one asked her to. Or did that muggleborn (look at me!! I can say that term _correctly _now) ask her to? I will never know.

_I would like to, though._

Was it because of my close affiliations with the Dark Lord?

Seriously, reader! Not like that! You are guilty of having _sick thoughts._

Was it because of my ideas, beliefs and morals? Because of the pureblood supremacy / superiority that I don't seem to care about anymore?

Speaking about that muggleborn issue, I _must _apologise to that Miss Granger (Harry Potter's friend) about all those years of hurtful and degrading treatment.

Did she find out something about me she didn't like (and probably still doesn't) from Bellatrix?

If it was, I'll hunt down Bellatrix myself and kill her with my bare hands.

Uh oh. Stop this topic, now! I've just realised something I don't want to reveal…

Please allow me to continue before I go off task again!

I went in the room…

_-- Flashback to the event --_

I had entered the room wordlessly, without making any sarcastic comments, which was a first for me, really.

The woman turned around… And I knew who she was at once. It was _her. _So I had been right.

After all these years… and she comes to visit me. _Why now?_

"Lucius." She said in solemn greeting. Her eyes twinkled in the dim light... and I remembered how beautiful they are to me. I don't remember _ever_ complimenting Narcissa on _her eyes_…

"Andromeda." I replied back in the same tone.

"What are you doing here?" The words slipped out of my mouth, my big trap, without my permission.

She looked surprised at being asked such a question, but veiled the emotion in her eyes quickly, and it clearly showed pureblood Black teachings.

"Visiting. Is there a problem in visiting my convicted Death Eater of a brother-in-law?"

_Another Black teaching. To challenge one quickly; to be able to think rapidly on one's feet when put on the pedestal._

"And Bellatrix?" I countered.

She flinched slightly. I felt my face contorting into a smug expression. She rolled her eyes.

_How typical of her._

Silence slipped into the room, like a detective silently sleuthing the room for clues. It was a long time until someone said something.

"So… how have you been in the past… 15-20 years?"

Andromeda looked up at me, shocked that I would be the first one to make small talk.

_Seriously… I'm not all that bad!_

"I've been very well." She answered simply, probably not knowing what else to say. She sighed.

"I know you're probably wondering why I'm here. You are, actually. It's obvious." She added hastily.

I gave her that 'pointed' look of mine.

"OK. I know. I'm rambling. But it does distract you from why I'm here, right?" She asked hopefully, her eyes widening slightly like an innocent girl.

I shook my head, looking extremely bemused. "What do you think?"

"Seriously. Please get to the point." I added.

"So that you can rot in your cell?" She countered in a slightly spiteful manner.

"What's wrong with you, Andromeda? You've come to visit me, and you're treating me badly! What do you expect from me?" I nearly shouted.

Her eyes flickered up, down and around the room, her mind not knowing where to settle them. I almost felt a bit guilty, but it was true… I mean, surely, she must have a reason for coming here. And so early in the morning! This clearly showed her hesitance in doing anything else.

"Look, Andromeda. I'm sorry for shouting … correction: nearly shouting at you. How may I help you?" I asked in a nice manner.

She glanced up from the dusty spot she was staring at and opened her mouth, then closed it again.

"To talk."

I blinked… several times.

"To talk?!" I asked incredulously. "You can do that with somebody else… _outside of prison_!"

Her eyes showed slight hurt, for it shone through the slightly bright sparkle that had been present in her eyes not too long ago. She veiled it immediately, for it was Black teachings that taught her.

_Habits and what one learns when they are young… cannot be erased, for it is still somewhere inside, even if one leaves__ or runs far away…_

To make it up to her, "Of course. I am the best one to talk to. Who wouldn't want to talk to the handsome, kind and intelligent Lucius Malfoy?"

"Everyone else in the wizarding world. That is an extreme exaggeration, Lucius."

We talked some more, playfully bantering, just like the old days before she ran away with that muggleborn Tonks. The old days, when we were still complete _fools _for believing in pureblood supremacy… and when she was still _engaged _to _me. _We talked, we laughed and we caught up with each other… it was indeed just like the old days.

It's obvious that I miss her. Andromeda and not her sister, Narcissa, who is my wife. The one that doesn't and will never ever come to visit me this early. The one that is the _extreme opposite _of my wife – in both features and personality. How can such women, with such different personalities and features, be sisters? The Blacks have produced them. Andromeda has colouring similar to that of Bellatrix's – dark and alluring. Andromeda has a much kinder face though. Bellatrix is scary. In contrast, Narcissa has colouring completely different: it is light, innocent and fair, though she is anything but. Narcissa is meek and polite, whereas Andromeda is opinionated and headstrong… these are two completely different people, sisters, and women that I love… _had loved, _in Andromeda's case.

I was shaken out of my musings when I saw Andromeda twiddling her thumbs.

"Still haven't rid your silly habit, Andromeda?"

She immediately stopped, shocked that I had caught her doing such a '_terrible_'thing.

Silence loomed in the room, filling up every part like juice being poured into a glass.

"What did you want to talk about anyway, Andromeda?"

How blunt of me. Being in Azkaban has completely changed me.

"I just wanted to get it off my shoulders. The burden, of thinking of the 'what ifs'… what could have happened had I stayed… what would I have become…" She trailed off, not knowing whether or not to continue.

"Ah. I see. So what do you want to know?" I asked curiously.

"You're not… mad… at all?" She asked, looking surprised. I was quite surprised by this statement.

"Why should I be mad? Azkaban has changed me completely… I don't even recognise myself anymore… What do you want to know?" I repeated.

"Your predictions, maybe?" She asked, almost as if she wasn't sure if she should have.

Suddenly, it made sense… well, it seemed like things were finally clicking into place.

I blurted out the first thing that appeared in my mind. "Are you happy in your current position in life, Andromeda?"

She blinked several times. "Excuse me?"

"Are you?" I probed, not bothering to use my Legilimency on her, for I was so drained of energy.

I really must stop this annoying habit. Thinking out loud without considering its consequences. I've been tortured by the Dark Lord a countless number of times because of this.

It seemed like hours had passed by when she hesitated for my answer. It was very clear, though it seemed that she just needed to say it aloud.

"Andromeda… it would be preferable that you answered the question before the end of the _millennium_, please."

"You're not using Legilimency?" She asked, sounding extremely surprised. Interesting developments here... I can't stop surprising her today!

"My energy levels are not capable of doing any powerful magic… it's too much for it… I'm weak enough, as it is…"

Once more, there was silence.

"Well…"


	3. Happily Ever Afters

One simple word. The one word I hoped for her to utter out loud. Just so I'd feel better that I wasn't the only one who wasn't happy-happy. If you understand me, that is. It does make sense!

With Narcissa, I was simply content. Not in euphoric bliss or anything. Just content with the companionship that she provided me and I to her. Our relationship was _duh, _strictly platonic. Nothing else.

And she did. "No."

After she said it, my insides clanged together like those muggle drums. I didn't feel what I was... supposed to feel. I'll admit that I've always been in love with her... and Cissy too. Both have their good points and bad.... it's just that I've always preferred her to Cissy.

I always will, and that will never change.

But that word… Why did I feel so... sad? So shocked, so surprised? I wasn't supposed to feel like this. It's not _allowed._ Merlin, I feel like a child right now. I feel so… awkward.

The fact that she was unhappy for so many years since our breakup? The fact that we never _remotely _got the chance to be together?

Or was it...

The fact that even if we did get the chance, the chance would be ruined anyway. We would have never even started at all. We would have probably run around in circles, ending back upon square one. Why?

We never had the same beliefs or morals ~ hers changed completely at Hogwarts. Mine became more distorted, more evil.

"Why?" She laughed humourlessly.

I stared at her, shocked. Why was she like this? I didn't ask her to do anything. Heck, she didn't even have to come visit me at all. Nobody told her to do anything.

But everything still happened.

"Ask me," She said. "Aren't you the least bit curious as to why I left you twenty years ago?"

I'll admit I was. And I always will be. I will never be satisfied with what she says. Because everything still lies in the past.

After a long silence, I did ask. "Why?"

She sighed. "We weren't supposed to be together. Pureblood supremacy... blood status... money.... power... the Dark Lord..... those are none of what I now believe in. I mean, the blood that muggles and wizards alike bleed.. it's red. If you ever decide to kill anyone using unorthodox means like you usually do, you'll notice that it's of the exact same colour." She said dryly.

"I will, one day." Lucius replied in the same dry tone.

"You do know that I wasn't serious… right? About the killing part." Andromeda said cautiously.

Lucius stared at her. He responded indignantly. "Of course I knew that! I'm not that stupid, you know."

"Of course, of course." She muttered to herself.

Silence. That was all I seemed to command out of people these days.

"Have you… ever thought about having a happily ever after?" She asked, knowing that she was treading on thin ice, so thin that if one treaded with a heavy footing on one particular step, they would fall.

"Never. Happily ever afters don't exist in my world." I said, dismissing the question from my thoughts.

_Though secretly, I had. But it was never ever with Narcissa. And I know it seems like we are one of the 'greatest wizarding love matches of all time', but we aren't. Even if it says on the Wizarding Forbes Magazine, we are not! I repeat, we are not!_

_We're just friends. And don't ask about how Draco came along. It was a night of lust… one-off. For the Malfoy heir, of course. Don't tell me you're stupid. Because I know you're not. It's obvious. Don't act like it, because it's vaguely getting irritating. And I'm not going to go into any of that. I guess it's a story for another time. A time in the distant future, kids._

_I'm not going to ever tell anyone but YOU. If you ever tell anyone, expect something unpleasant to happen to YOU within the few days after you've told someone. I'll find out. I foresee that there will be a dark shadow looming above your bed, hovering, with an axe to chop your thick and stupid head off! It is what'll happen to you if you do anything STUPID or DUMB – I won't trust you anymore. And I know you won't like it. Think before you act._

_That's what I've learned since coming to Azkaban._

_Ha ha._

_Ha._

_Back to the story. I distinctly remember that when I was much younger, I was often away with my Death Eater activities back then. You know… Death Eaters like Bella, Ruddy, Rasta, etc. While travelling or just having earned some of my own 'me to myself' time, I had always fantasised about having a princess to ride away in the sunset in a happily ever after scene in a muggle fairy tale book (don't ask how I know about those. I just happened to come across them). a princess to save from the evil… ironic that I am evil though… after all, all stories have the ideas and is the epitome of Good vs. Evil. All fairytales are like that too._

"A Galleon for your thoughts?" She asked, breaking through my long trail of thought.

It had been always a Galleon that people used with that Knutty idiom. See the use of a pun? Ha. Ha. People have always wanted to know what the _great _Lucius Malfoy has thought of anything and everything. It seems like everybody wants to know what I think, all the way down to the tiniest of details. I mean, who cares?

I am normal. It's just that I am a wizard and muggles aren't. I urinate. I poop. I fart and pass wind. That's what you do too! It just so happens that I am well known, so everyone (and I really mean _everyone_) wants to know about me, all the way down to the nitty-gritty of it all.

How sad that is. Really. It is!

"The words 'happy' and 'ever after' don't exist together in my vocabulary. They cannot co-exist together in my mind." I added to chop away the silence and just for good measure.

Andromeda rolled her eyes.

"You and your dramatics," She muttered.

"I am not dramatic!" I retorted back in slight annoyance.


	4. Lucius's Ramblings

We talked and talked some more. For some reason the Dementors didn't come when the visiting hour was up. Perhaps they knew something was going to happen? I don't know. And I shall never know, because I'm not the soulless and lifeless things that can't talk but can merely float and suck all the happiness out of you.

I'm not joking. Why do you always get the impression that I _joke_??? It's not a good thing, you know!!

My happiness and my most precious memories have almost been sucked out by those evil creatures. But I live for them – the memories, you idiot! Not the Dementors. I want to be able to remember everything that I've been through. Pleasant or unpleasant, I still want to. Whether I've been Crucio'ed by Voldemort (I CAN SAY HIS NAME NOW!) or when Draco was born, I still need to remember. It's my life. It's what I've been _living_. It's what I've been _doing_.

As a result of being in Azkaban (for who knows how long – I think for around a year or so), I have been in constant competition of tug of war with the Dementors, fighting to keep my memories alive in my mind. It's difficult, but I have survived. So far. It's part of who I am.

Corny, I know. The 'great' Lucius Malfoy can be corny.

_Wow. How normal I am._

Don't look so surprised. And so who cares? And please mind your own business.

You do care. It's obvious.

I'm wounded. I'm insulted. Why do you have to care so much?

_Jeez._

And I did know someone called Louise...

Sorry. I know it's a rather strange and lame joke.

"Hello?" Andromeda was waving a hand in front of my face.

"Sorry. I was lost in my thoughts." I replied abruptly.

Andromeda looked a little surprised at my abrupt and quick answer, which she probably dismissed OR she concealed because she's a Black. She was raised a Black, so she knows the etiquette of the purebloods. It's probably still a part of her habit as well. She knows I'm quite curt and abrupt anyway… though I would like to break this annoying habit… I come across as being quite rude to others!

Please excuse my rambling. As you may remember, I have not been able to 'publish' my thoughts in such a manner before, and since I've been in Azkaban for so long, you shall have to forgive me.

Forgive me, once again. I've been curt and abrupt. But it's all been part of my upbringing! For once, you should not blame me. I have not done anything wrong. I am only trying to alter some of my worst habits. *Note: I've already curbed the killing of muggles – I haven't been killing any recently at all. And I shall not ever again.

You know what… I think I should take an Unforgivable Vow – to promise somebody that I will not ever kill anybody again. This is so that

1) I won't have to go to Azkaban ever again;

2) I'll look better in my son's eyes

3) My wife will forgive my bad deeds (I don't love her, *note: only as a friend, but I would still like her forgiveness).

4) I just want to be an innocent like I was when I was 3 years old.

_How cute is that?_

Not very.

See! I've even put it into a sequenced, chronological and numerical order!

Excuse my cutesy tones. Well, what seems like my cutesy tone. Have you ever heard it before? Apparently, nobody has. But Draco. He's the lucky one. I'm smiling now. You can't see me smile and you probably wouldn't expect somebody as 'cold' as me to smile.

I felt a presence in my mind. It was obvious that it was Andromeda, because there was no way the Dementors would want to see all these happy thoughts spewing all over the place. That's just so… not their style. Get what I mean?

"Legilmens, much? Isn't it a little obvious, Andy?" Lucius asked. She blushed slightly.

"Do I detect some blushing in my presence, Andy?" He asked slyly.

"Who is it about?" He probed, evidently curious. She laughed.

_Oh, that lovely tinkle of sound… I have good dreams after I hear it._


	5. Eternal Love

"You." She said simply.

I blinked, not believing at all what my ears told me. "What?"

"I know you heard me, Lucius. Don't act stupid." She huffed. Such behaviour is very unbecoming on a woman of her status! Not blood status, if you know what I mean.

"OK. So why would I be in your thoughts?"

"I think I…" She trailed off, presumably unsure as to how to explain her whizzing emotions. Why I used 'whizzing' to describe her emotions, I have no idea.

"You think you…" I trailed off, just to make her feel annoyed. This is jolly good fun!

"I haven't…"

"You haven't…"

"Lucius!"

"Andromeda!" I mocked in the exact same tone.

"Stop annoying me!"

I felt like a first year at Hogwarts once more. I decided to keep my mouth shut and listen to what she said. Unfortunately, she was still a little annoyed (and frustrated) with me…

"How am I supposed to tell you that I still love you after 20 odd years, when you're still trying to mock me?" She cried, frustrated.

She almost seemed to be crying, but somebody with her kind of upbringing would not do anything of the sort.

"What?" I asked hoarsely, the second time in the span of two minutes. I had no idea what to say.

Her eyes widened, for she had (presumably) realised what she had said out loud. "I didn't say that out loud just now, did I?" She asked helplessly.

I nodded, still in shock.

A silence had wedged uncomfortably between us. I had no idea as to how to respond to that, and she probably felt extremely awkward. I mean, you can't blame somebody that didn't expect the conversation topic to become that awkward!

"I think I'll go." She sighed, as she stood up.

This triggered panic and alarm bells in my system. _Don't let her go! Don't let her go! _My unconscious screeched.

"Wait."

She stopped and turned around. "Yes Lucius?"

"I-I still love you too." My eyes widened at my secret thoughts being blurted out. I leant forward and kissed her on the lips.

"Then we're going to speak of all those soppy things… all of which aren't going to happen." She said bluntly.

"We can make it happen, Andy!"

"We still have our spouses. We can't forget them." Her brows were furrowed in thought.

I blinked at her.

"At least we have the knowledge that we still… you know. It'll comfort us forevermore." She added, shifting on two feet uncomfortably, for I knew that she was itching to run into my arms, but she couldn't. She took my hand and squeezed it tightly.

Then she released it, the tingling feeling that had been there disappeared… and in a flash, she had left the room.

And I realised something: love doesn't stop even when that special person isn't there physically. Love isn't just being loved, you have to give it too.

I, Lucius Malfoy, have acquired a wealth of knowledge about life... it's not only about living.

One last thought engulfed me before I fell asleep:

_Love is eternal._

And my eyes contentedly fluttered shut as my mind made its way towards dreamland.

**_Fin._**


End file.
